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| I've always felt like I have a good head on my shoulders. I'm a reasonable guy and I make sound decisions. I think through things, and I consider the consequences of decisions. I also have confidence that if I make the wrong decisions, I have the full capacity to correct things. I also have the humility to admit that I am wrong.
When it came to how to everything pertaining to my previous relationship, as in how to deal with a break up, I had to admit... I've never had to deal with a break up from a very serious relationship before. I've never dealt with such strong emotions before as well. I was in a pit of depression, left with the memories of what was, living in the regretful reality of what is, and blind to the possibilities of what could be. I had figured that all I truly wanted was for the relationship to resume and everything would be okay. I may not have done the worst of things like cheating, but I left a girl feeling un-appreciated, and I changed her into something she might not have wanted to become... a colder person.
It doesn't make perfect sense to me as to why I could still be so cold while in a relationship, but I would say I blame it on the idea that I'm very afraid of getting hurt. For a guy that can take physical pain without a hitch, I innately knew all too well how vulnerable my heart was. For so many years I worked on making myself insensitive, and for the most part I was. I may have been sensitive to the feelings and thoughts of those I encounter, but I was never affected by it really.
I regret the fact that I cast away a precious part of me in that insensitive time period... the part that led me to so much rejection and let downs when I did embrace it. It was the romantic me... the hopeless romantic. It's a part of me that caused me so much trouble and pain, and I had to let it go.
Now I'm in a position where if I embraced that aspect of me again, I could do more harm than good to others. I really am making it a reality that I will be leaving the country for year long periods in order to pursue my desired occupation. Imagine me getting into a relationship now, and in a few months, I'll have to move away. The close relationship that I had would turn into long distance, and it would be hard on us.
My ex saw this, and saw how I'd prefer to break up when I leave, rather than continue on with the relationship. I never made it seem like I wanted to keep us going, but instead wanted things to last as long as it "should." That was my mistake. When she took it into her own hands to explore different things instead of waiting around for us to end, I realized all too well my mistake. My world crumbled around me.
Time has passed and my recovery is coming along quite well. I look at the past and I realize I have done it again... I have become insensitive to it. I have done what I've done for so many years, and I can't help but approve of it. I'm not in pain and I'm of sound mind, for the most part.
Then this morning I felt it, and anchor tied to my heart. The burden of regret. I did not handle this break up perfectly. I was a broken man, overwhelmed by emotions, trying to do whatever I could in order to stop the pain. I had truly made a mess of things between me and my previous partner. I had made a mess of things with the woman that I loved. Even saying "loved" proves how devastatingly poor I've handled the situation, because no matter how it ended... this remains to be true;
She is one of the most considerate caring person I have ever met.
She is genuine and faithful. If not to me, than to her family, and her duty as a daughter/sister
She is truly beautiful
She is a good person who puts others above herself
She is willing to change herself in order to make others happy
She is weak, and I wanted to protect her, but somehow... she was the one protecting me... from myself
She is strong, because no matter how the world piles up against her, she will not raise her voice to explain herself, but instead she keeps walking the path she made for herself.
She had me beat in the game that I knew so well, the game of love. There is admiration for that, as well as regret.
I know I've said and done a lot of things in order to try to get over my past, and even writing this violate things. I thought I had the resolve to make so many things final and done and over with, but my resolve seems to crumble when it come to her. She truly is my poison that makes me weak, but in turn she brought back a side of me that could do more harm than good. Still.... at least that part of me is something I'd be proud to have... instead of that insensitive me that I had created for myself.
Why did I write all this? Probably because I wanted to distract myself from the bigger event coming into play in my life. Or maybe I wanted to tend to something of the past that I felt was poorly handled.
I'm writing this public, against her request and a promise made by me to keep matters between us private. I've broken a promise and I'm sure she'll be infuriated with me. That's fine though, because I'm a bad person and I do as I please. (See if she was still with me, I'd never break promises or do these kind of things.) She can hate me, she has the right to, and it is whats best for her in the end. Li Huang, I can do no good for you in your life. Being with you is me being selfish. Continue on the path that you've created for yourself. Be mad at me all you want, I'm keeping you away from me for good reason... it's because I truly am a terrible person! I won't consider stabbing your new guy anymore, even though I was more than willing to, trust me I would. In the end... I've proven to myself how terrible I am... I've made our past mostly an emotionless blur, my feelings have seemingly disappeared, and I'm still breaking the promise... definitely making you mad... and I still don't care.
This has been written and posted on 3 different blogs... you HAVE to hate my now. ^^ | | |
| www.xanga.com/enderrpants It's friend locked so just be my friend if you wanna read. | | |
| Well with the end of another love chapter of my life, it's practically customary for me to dispose of the old xanga and start again from scratch.
I guess if you want to still keep up with me, just message me and I'll link you up.
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| After a break up and through some period of time of sulking. One must start opening their eyes to the world again and look to find a new companion. I'll call this phase 2 of recovery. To look for a girl during phase 1 in recovery only means that you have found a rebound. Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. I mean look at Romeo and Juliet. Romeo was still devastated from his rejection from Rosaline, Juliet was his rebound... THEY DIED! DUN DUN DUN!
I've met an interesting girl that fit a couple of things I used to look for in a girl from a while back. After realizing such a thing, I've finally become a bit optimistic over life again. She's a lot of things that make me smile, but most of all, she doesn't leave me dying to get physical with her. I can take it nice and slow, hang out, and just be comfortable. She could be something closer in the future, but she is definitely a greatly appreciated female friend that I can see from time to time. A major plus is that her family already likes me. ^^ A family that appreciates the individual and not the category of the individual. I guess that's been something that had been bothering me for some time now. I should never be left feeling bad just because I am Viet born. I have a magnanimous heart, and I truly appreciate others with like hearts.
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