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| Every so often we get a solar eclipse where the sun aligns with the moon and darkens the Earth. It happens for a moment, but it’s always greatly anticipated by the humans. Little do they know that it is the moon that anticipates it the most. The love of the moon and the sun is a sad love because the sun is the highest celestial being in the solar system and the moon is just a rock that is only made beautiful because of the sun. If there is one thing the Sun knew, it was that a majority of his admirers were humans. The sun, being a conceited fellow, felt it a shame that the humans could never look straight at him and marvel at his beauty. Nor could they enjoy the pleasure of his presence at night. They could only bask in his glory only during the day. He made his disappointment known throughout the solar system.
One day the moon approached him and spoke to him saying, “I have a solution to your problem.” The sun looked at her with interest and asked her to go on. She continued saying, “Why not shine your light on me, and through me the humans can still admire your beauty.” The sun thought the solution was remarkably simple and liked it. And that is why we have moonlight. But that is not what this story is about.
In his conceit, the sun grew accustomed to chasing after the moon. With each passing day he slowly came to realize that quantity was not better than quality. It did not matter how many humans admired him, what came to matter was the one thing that admired him the most, the moon. Her love and admiration for him bore in him a powerful love and admiration for her. He was then struck with the dilemma that he was not sure whether he wanted to give her more love, or please his many admirers. His anxiety grew as the chase continued.
Then one day it happened. Somewhere along the chase a solar eclipse occurred. It was in this moment that the moon spoke to the sun once more. “I am a selfish lover, but I know that I alone don’t deserve all of you. So for this moment I will take in all of you. In this moment there is just us.” No human knows what else happens during this period of selfish love between the moon and the sun, but the night following a solar eclipse the moon seems to be shining brighter than ever. _________________________________________________ Sometimes I feel like Photoshopping my pics would help a lot, but then I'm really no model. I'll just stick to cropping , resizing, and contrast control.
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Webcam pictures really do look terrible, but they are quite convenient especially since it's integrated into my laptop. I remember back in the day when I had to rack my brain over which webcam to get and such. It was all part of my internet geekdom. One of the must-haves... a webcam! I have to admit... I have poor decision making skills on webcams. You know who makes great webcams? MAC! Those webcams make anyone look good! Actually... I take that back... they make people look better... or... well. ... I suppose some people can't be helped? Wait... that's mean. There's always plastic surgery. BAH! I'm not trying to be mean, but this seems to be a truth of genetics. Some pople just get shafted and it's society that deems what is attractive and what isn't. I know I got shafted in my own way with the genetic gene pool. HAHAHA! Anyways... since the new blog is used for more personal blogs... I'll use this for the more superficial things... like pictures and ran-dumb blogs. | | |
| I've always felt like I have a good head on my shoulders. I'm a reasonable guy and I make sound decisions. I think through things, and I consider the consequences of decisions. I also have confidence that if I make the wrong decisions, I have the full capacity to correct things. I also have the humility to admit that I am wrong.
When it came to how to everything pertaining to my previous relationship, as in how to deal with a break up, I had to admit... I've never had to deal with a break up from a very serious relationship before. I've never dealt with such strong emotions before as well. I was in a pit of depression, left with the memories of what was, living in the regretful reality of what is, and blind to the possibilities of what could be. I had figured that all I truly wanted was for the relationship to resume and everything would be okay. I may not have done the worst of things like cheating, but I left a girl feeling un-appreciated, and I changed her into something she might not have wanted to become... a colder person.
It doesn't make perfect sense to me as to why I could still be so cold while in a relationship, but I would say I blame it on the idea that I'm very afraid of getting hurt. For a guy that can take physical pain without a hitch, I innately knew all too well how vulnerable my heart was. For so many years I worked on making myself insensitive, and for the most part I was. I may have been sensitive to the feelings and thoughts of those I encounter, but I was never affected by it really.
I regret the fact that I cast away a precious part of me in that insensitive time period... the part that led me to so much rejection and let downs when I did embrace it. It was the romantic me... the hopeless romantic. It's a part of me that caused me so much trouble and pain, and I had to let it go.
Now I'm in a position where if I embraced that aspect of me again, I could do more harm than good to others. I really am making it a reality that I will be leaving the country for year long periods in order to pursue my desired occupation. Imagine me getting into a relationship now, and in a few months, I'll have to move away. The close relationship that I had would turn into long distance, and it would be hard on us.
My ex saw this, and saw how I'd prefer to break up when I leave, rather than continue on with the relationship. I never made it seem like I wanted to keep us going, but instead wanted things to last as long as it "should." That was my mistake. When she took it into her own hands to explore different things instead of waiting around for us to end, I realized all too well my mistake. My world crumbled around me.
Time has passed and my recovery is coming along quite well. I look at the past and I realize I have done it again... I have become insensitive to it. I have done what I've done for so many years, and I can't help but approve of it. I'm not in pain and I'm of sound mind, for the most part.
Then this morning I felt it, and anchor tied to my heart. The burden of regret. I did not handle this break up perfectly. I was a broken man, overwhelmed by emotions, trying to do whatever I could in order to stop the pain. I had truly made a mess of things between me and my previous partner. I had made a mess of things with the woman that I loved. Even saying "loved" proves how devastatingly poor I've handled the situation, because no matter how it ended... this remains to be true;
She is one of the most considerate caring person I have ever met.
She is genuine and faithful. If not to me, than to her family, and her duty as a daughter/sister
She is truly beautiful
She is a good person who puts others above herself
She is willing to change herself in order to make others happy
She is weak, and I wanted to protect her, but somehow... she was the one protecting me... from myself
She is strong, because no matter how the world piles up against her, she will not raise her voice to explain herself, but instead she keeps walking the path she made for herself.
She had me beat in the game that I knew so well, the game of love. There is admiration for that, as well as regret.
I know I've said and done a lot of things in order to try to get over my past, and even writing this violate things. I thought I had the resolve to make so many things final and done and over with, but my resolve seems to crumble when it come to her. She truly is my poison that makes me weak, but in turn she brought back a side of me that could do more harm than good. Still.... at least that part of me is something I'd be proud to have... instead of that insensitive me that I had created for myself.
Why did I write all this? Probably because I wanted to distract myself from the bigger event coming into play in my life. Or maybe I wanted to tend to something of the past that I felt was poorly handled.
I'm writing this public, against her request and a promise made by me to keep matters between us private. I've broken a promise and I'm sure she'll be infuriated with me. That's fine though, because I'm a bad person and I do as I please. (See if she was still with me, I'd never break promises or do these kind of things.) She can hate me, she has the right to, and it is whats best for her in the end. Li Huang, I can do no good for you in your life. Being with you is me being selfish. Continue on the path that you've created for yourself. Be mad at me all you want, I'm keeping you away from me for good reason... it's because I truly am a terrible person! I won't consider stabbing your new guy anymore, even though I was more than willing to, trust me I would. In the end... I've proven to myself how terrible I am... I've made our past mostly an emotionless blur, my feelings have seemingly disappeared, and I'm still breaking the promise... definitely making you mad... and I still don't care.
This has been written and posted on 3 different blogs... you HAVE to hate my now. ^^ | | |
| www.xanga.com/enderrpants It's friend locked so just be my friend if you wanna read. | | |
| Well with the end of another love chapter of my life, it's practically customary for me to dispose of the old xanga and start again from scratch.
I guess if you want to still keep up with me, just message me and I'll link you up.
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